I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
