Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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