How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
