I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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