My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
