the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
