one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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