from now on my penis is your penis
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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