we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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