she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
