Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize