Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
where does the pee come out of this thing
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
