Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
