pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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