you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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