Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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