if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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