My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
