I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
