The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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