It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
