Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
