am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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