Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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