1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
