Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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