are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
