My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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