yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
