I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
this is an emotional support booty call
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
