I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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