i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
