The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
