someone owes me an orgasm
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
