It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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