She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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