Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
