I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
