I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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