Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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