I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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