Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
