Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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