Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
