oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's shark week go big or go home
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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