If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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