so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
