I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
