Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
