I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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