did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
