ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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