and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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