what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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