we have officially lost it.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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