Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
