Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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