the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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