Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
