Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
